Much has been made about some comments that my daughter made on a blog that were written about ten years ago. They were written at a time when she was going through some very difficult times, and were certainly never intended to be read by the creepy men who are now using her to stalk and attempt to bully me online.
She refers to things that happened between my first go at transition, and my second, and final one. The first ended when issues having nothing to do with being transsexual seemed out of control, and reached a point where I was facing a mental collapse, were compounded by issues that arose from my realization that perhaps, to my surprise, I was actually a straight woman (tons of irony there, but that is a story for another day) came together and combined with having a truly incompetent and unprofessional therapist to cause me to, as I have said, flee back to the devil I knew.
I tried to convince myself that I was doing the right thing, and I became, for seven terrible years, a very miserable person. I tried finding some point where I could live with myself, and others could live with me. I finally realized that transition was the only choice, and in October of 1999 I again went full time.
During those seven years, I hated myself, and I admit, I took that self-hatred out on others. I don't excuse what I did, and I am certainly not proud of it. I felt I had no control over my life, so I tried to control others. I did not know how to be a man, so I simply impersonated my father. Suffice to say, that was not really me. And it was a poor choice to copy. On more than one occasion, when I confronted my father about things he did that hurt me, he lied and denied that they ever happened. I don't know if he thought he could make them go away by doing so, or if he actually didn't remember, but I did. And you know, almost twenty years after he died, they still hurt. But either way, he never felt the least bit of shame for what he did.
Those who are actually transsexual can relate to trying to be something you really are not. Ironically, those like Mr. "Cristan" Williams, who is trying so desperately to control me, along with a number of other people who don't agree with his extremist agenda, should understand also, but in a sort of reversed manner. I was was trying to be a man, and did a horrible job of being a parody of one. He is trying to be a woman, and well, he is not even coming close to even parodying one.
But I have realized something from all of this. What my daughter wrote about, describing me when I was faking it, is exactly how Mr. Williams, and some others, like Mr. "Dana" Taylor, are acting now. They are trying to control me, and bully me, the same way I tried to control and bully my ex.
When I finally accepted that I really was a woman, and that it was doing far more harm than good to try to please others, the hurting stopped for all of us. I knew my marriage would end, and it did.
There are parts of this story that would clear up a lot of the misunderstanding about what my daughter wrote. But those parts are as much, or more, her private business as mine. I am not going to expose that. Besides, if I did, Mr. Williams and others, would just scoff and claim I was lying. That is there stock in trade, just as they scoff and claim that women who have real fears, that men like them can never understand are also lying.
Williams expects women to relate to him like men. That is why he tries stuff like taunting them when they will not submit to his demands. He does not understand how such an approach feels to a woman. He thinks what would work on a man, will work on them. Only a man could think that way. And of course, being a man, he thinks he can do no wrong.
My daughter and I have long ago moved past those dark days. I waited, and she reached out to me. She and I have both grown a lot since then. I have admitted my mistakes, and she has forgiven me. And she has admitted hers, and I have forgiven her. As someone once said, "When I was 18, I thought my parent's were idiots. When I was 30, I was amazed how much they had learned in 12 years." Unfortunately, Mr. Williams want to use that tragic period to control me, but he can't, and he won't.
He should be ashamed, but like a lot of men, including my father, he has no shame.